Most of the jokes are from a joke cell phone application called "Dad Jokes"
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.maxprod.dadjokes&hl=en_US
“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?” “My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.” —Joseph Lozanoff
What do you call a banana that eats another banana? A canabananal.
What type of key opens a banana? A monkey.
If a man has five apples in one hand and ten bananas in the other, what does he have? Massive hands.
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai do not like the Flintstones but the ones in Abu Dhabi Do.
When she talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
A new wine has been made for cats. It won’t be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches.
What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
On a Tombstone "I told you I was Sick"
How do you make Lady Gaga Cry? Poker Face.
Why did the Mexican start taking Anti-Anxiety Medication. For His-Panic Attacks.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
They Use Tide.
Did you know that in King Arthur's time, one of the nights of the round table collected Taxes?
It was Sir Charge
Did you know on average people have 3 blankets on their beds?
That is just a blanket statement.
I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
What do you call a Chicken Crossing the road? Poultry in motion.....
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they're bagels!
Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
My favorite word is "drool." It just rolls off the tongue.
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? Cause the cow's got the udder!
A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener.
What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
Two blondes go hunting in the forest... As they come across some tracks one says
“Hey look, deer tracks!” one says “You idiot, these are obviously moose tracks!”
the other. “Deer tracks!” “Moose tracks!”
They started shoving each other and were shouting so much they never heard the train coming...
People say you can’t be sad in Hawaii, it’s a magical place… Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.
My daugher told me she had never heard of Einstein's Theory of Relativity before today. I said, "It's about time!"
Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
- I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
- What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
- Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
- Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
- I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
- What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
| "Dad, I'm hungry." Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad. |
| A doll was recently found dead in a rice paddy. It's the only known instance of a nick-nack paddy whack. |
| A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own. |
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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it is past tents...... |
| A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there... Thanks for keeping me off the streets. |
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "I've Never Had a weasel in here, what would you like? Pop goes the weasel. A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions." |
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At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs, but he wanted to stay out of the punchline. I was going to tell you a fighting joke but I forgot the punch line. |
| Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
| Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. |
| Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on. |
| Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast. |
| Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? |
| Did you know about the guy who took the airline to trial for misplacing his luggage? He lost the case |
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Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. |
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died? He pasta way. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them. |
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Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type." How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training How does Moses make tea? He brews |
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In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 52,487 trees. I know because I kept a log. I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door. |
| I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to a lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry-level position. |
| I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx. |
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I, for one, like Roman numerals. I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher |
| I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. |
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I have been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami — of course, it is paper-view. I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind I was taking my airline to court to fight about my lost luggage. But I lost my case. Why do people in Athens have trouble getting up in the morning? Because Dawn is tough on grease! |
| I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there. |
| I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months when on the side it said three to four years. |
| I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. |
| Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. |
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My dentist is the best, he even has a little plaque! My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away. |
| No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. |
| Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible. Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now! |
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Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers. Past, present, and future walked into a bar... It was tense. Recently John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19. But doctors found that is was just a Saturday night fever, so he's staying alive. |
| She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. |
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So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill” Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go? |
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Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about. They're not that bright. Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is that possible? Kid: He became a father only when I was born. Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.) Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria: Here it is. Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America? Class: Maria. Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' Glenn: 'K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' Teacher: No, that's wrong. Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? Donald: HIJKLMNO. Teacher: What are you talking about? Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O. Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Clyde: No, sir; It's the same dog. Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Harold: A Teacher. |
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The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi. The first step to solving a math equation is admitting that you have a problem. |
| The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything" |
| The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. |
| The shovel was a ground-breaking invention. |
| There was a guy that used to work at a calendar Factory he got fired because he took a couple of days off |
| They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. |
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you're happy now. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. |
| Velcro - what a rip off! |
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Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer! It rained yesterday... My wife immediately said, I'm going outside to dig a hole to catch the rain water! After the wife is gone I said to the rest of the family, She means well. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday... the rest are weekdays. |
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Want to hear a joke about going to the bathroom? Urine for a treat. What did the Buffalo Dad say to his kid when he dropped him off at school. Bison. |
| What did the fish say when he slammed into the wall. Damm |
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas. What do you call a company that makes okay products? A satisfactory. |
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What do you do when your bunny gets wet? You get your hare dryer. What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms. |
| What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad. |
| What is the difference between a Golfer and a Skydiver? One says Darn Whack and the other says Whack Darn. |
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What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire. |
| Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside. |
| why did the bicycle fall over, because it was too tired. |
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Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square. Why did the policeman stay in bed? He was undercover! Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing. Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between! |
| Why was the Horse Happy? He was in a Stable Environment |
| You can't trust a ladder. It will always let you down |
These came from Terry Clark.....
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD - At the Doctor
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI
(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.
Hope it's not terminal
A man goes to the doctor ...
... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, Pussycat* out of my head.
Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"
Doctor shakes his head. "It's not unusual."